Sat Nam Grounding

When I found out I was pregnant, I panicked. I remember making my husband look at the test because I was shaking in fear. I actually refused to even take a test for the first two months even though most smells and tastes made me physically sick, including my beloved coffee.

This was SO weird because I had always wanted a child. I knew my whole life that I was meant to be a mother, but it’s a strange feeling when the actuality of huge life-changes are before you. I feared that I would not be enough or of the threat to my independence: I have never been an overly-affectionate person and what is she will be? What if I never get to just drive or listen to music ever again?

Through most of my pregnancy, I was in “survival mode.” I just needed to get through it;

a.) because I was so sick through the entire pregnancy, and

b.) because I was scared to think too much on any given topic about motherhood.

When I went into labor, the true fear finally sank in and I cried my whole way to the hospital. I knew I was not going home again without a tiny human that I would be eternally responsible for. Oddly enough, I have not felt that fear since she was born.

She came out completely perfect. I knew I loved her immediately.

Luckily, I did not struggle with postpartum (aside from a minor sobbing stint where she refused to nurse). I spent her first 3 months at her side without any thoughts other than complete devotion to her every need–mind you this is when the pandemic hit. By 4 months, I began to feel the need to feel human again and dabbled in a bit of self-care (yes, it truly took that long for me to even think of it). I found a decent balance between 4 and 6 months of how to care for myself (at least my basic person–taking walks, long showers, etc.), my husband, and our daughter.

It was not until about 8 months that I felt the call of my inner self again. The call was to fulfill my soul needs, so I began writing and developing a business plan to freelance. As I reflect now, I see how independant my daughter became even by this point and allowed me to do these things.

Here we are now, at over 1 year, and I am reflecting on the first year of my daughter’s life. That fear I felt in the beginning has been unjustified. Everything has NOT come easy, but everything has certainly been well within my ability to figure out. I look at her face and I understand what needs to be done in almost every situation–and those I struggle with, my husband makes up for.

Although the pandemic has made my experience far different from those around me whose children are 5 or so years old, we have made it work. My daughter is a relatively fair balance of independant and dependant. She rarely wants snuggles, since she wants to be up when she’s awake. She mostly just wants someone to play with every waking moment, which I am happy to do. Motherhood, to me, has come natural.

My daughter is a wonderous human with distinct wants and needs (that she makes VERY clear to me the moment she wants of needs them). She most likely will give me run for my money… but I will gladly run for her.